i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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