Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
