Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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