I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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