I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
