you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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