3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
