I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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