i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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