you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize