i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
