Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
