Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The best revenge is premature balding
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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