i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
