apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
