According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
