Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
