dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Randomize
