did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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