I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
