I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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