She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
