Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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