During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
