The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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