And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
