: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
