omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
