But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
