Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
