i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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