My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
