i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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