remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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