sarcasm needs its own font
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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