So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
