I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
