Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
