Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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