I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
