Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
