you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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