I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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