yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize