dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
