pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
