He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
