we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
