i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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