apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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