She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
