probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Randomize