i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
