my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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