OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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