we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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