Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
