I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
