dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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